Welcome to my first Fool’s Review, an ongoing feature where I review games using bad jokes, sarcasm, and sexual innuendos. For my first entry, I’m going to be looking at 1, 2, Switch.
While playing the game last weekend, I noticed something a bit off. Namely, that several of the mini games felt a bit lewd. Despite my mind venturing down the proverbial pervert path, I genuinely enjoyed certain portions of 1, 2, Switch.
So, without further ado, let’s dive right into the awkwardness of 1, 2, Switch!
- Air Guitar: One of my favorite games in 1, 2, Switch is Air Guitar. I feel like this mode really utilizes the motion controls of the Joy-Cons well. This, alongside various sports-based games, offers the greatest sense of normalcy.
- Baby: Here’s the outcome of having a little too much “fun” in 1, 2, Switch. Played in the handheld mode, you’re expected to quiet your Switch baby by rocking it gently and tucking it in. While this joke is a bit out of line, I think players should get an automatic Game Over for shaking the handheld. You know, for accuracy and posterity.
- Ball Count: This game really utilizes the rumble support well. You can feel every, erm, ball inside the box. Which is, of course, the main objective. Move the box back and forth to roll the balls around in your hand, then try to guess the number of balls at the end of the round. This game would probably be better with the name Ball Fondle, but of course Nintendo would never stoop to such low-brow comedy.
- Baseball: This watered down version of baseball isn’t half bad. Although, it does necessitate the use of your Joy-Con wrist straps to avoid flinging the controller at your TV in an eager attempt to impress your opponent. Which is great, as long as you remember to put your wrist strap on the right way. Trust me, Joy-Con rage is a legitimate hazard.
- Beach Flag: This is an alternate version of Capture the Flag without the added fun of first-person shooting. With Nintendo striving to remain family friendly, shooting your opponent before they reach the flag isn’t exactly an option. I’m not a huge fan of frolicking down a sandy beach Baywatch style, so this one gets a “skip” from me.
- Boxing Gym: If you missed out on Arms, you can now satisfy your boxing urge on 1, 2, Switch. To be clear, the squiggly stretch limbs in Arms are the better option. If I want to punch you, I want to do it on the other side of a map like the filthy coward I am.
- Dance Off: Similar to the aforementioned Boxing, Dance Off is great if you’ve yet to pick up Just Dance. Sadly, it lacks the wide variety of music and overall appeal. Beyond this, there really isn’t too much to say about Dance Off. You and an opponent freestyle to a given beat, then at the end, you’re judged on rhythm and overall performance.
- Eating Contest: I have a mouth, I have a hot dog… UH! Fellatio. I think the premise of Eating Contest is cool, but the gameplay gives me giggle fits like a preschooler who recently discovered the word “butt.” How many wieners can you eat within the designated time frame? On second thought, don’t answer that.
- Fake Draw: Nintendo apparently liked this one so much, they introduced two versions of it, as Fake Draw is almost a mirror image of Quick Draw. Kind of like “Red Light, Green Light,” you have to wait for the keyword “Fire” to shoot. If you fall for a trick word like “File” you’re automatically disqualified.
- Gorilla: In Gorilla, you and your partner awkwardly stare into each other’s eyes as you pound your chest to the given rhythm. After a little Harambe peacocking, the game’s final animation is of a shaking bush. Thanks Nintendo, I’ve always dreamed of playing a gorilla mating simulator!
- Joy-Con Rotation: I’m a little lost… how is this fun again? The objective is to set your Joy-Con down on a flat surface and rotate it without shaking it too much. The winner is whomever rotates their Joy-Con the most over three rounds.
- Milk: The act of milking a cow is already lewd enough without Nintendo’s wannabe porno aesthetic. The goal is to gently jerk off, sorry MILK, a cow. Whoever gets the most milk in the jug wins. The real question is which would look more awkward in public; the Shake Weight, or Milk.
- Plate Spin: On the surface, the concept is nothing to write home about. However, the game becomes far more difficult after a few shots for every sexual pun you and your friends make while playing 1, 2, Switch.
- Quick Draw: See Fake Draw above.
- Runway: I need a Ru Paul’s Drag Race mod on this one stat. Although, the game can be fun with a few obscene gestures while mimicking Zoolander’s Blue Steel.
- Safe Crack: Unlock a safe, steal eleventy billion dollars, blast off like Team Rocket, and repeat.
- Samurai Training: Nothing makes me feel more like an awkward Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai than this game. Ironically, I used to be into bokken and larping when I was younger, so I suppose this one isn’t that bad. Unlike larp, you can’t fill your Switch sword with quarters for maximum assholery, so I have to subtract a point.
- Shave: I’m disappointed you can’t play this one like Sweeney Todd. How the heck am I supposed to release my pent up barber rage?
- Soda Shake: Soda Shake is like an oddly sexual version of Russian Roulette. The name of the game is to whack off your Joy-Con without unleashing a soda hell-storm before passing it off to your opponent. During the Switch circle jerk, one player will inevitably lose thanks to their own exuberance. As is life.
- Sword Fight: See Samurai Training above.
- Table Tennis: Not to be outdone by the Wii, Nintendo has added Table Tennis to 1, 2, Switch. I suppose the Joy-Cons offer a better tennis experience, but I can’t help but feel as though this one was officially dead and buried back in 2014.
- Telephone: Oh look, a retail training game! Back when I worked for Guitar Center, we had to pick up the phone before the third ring. If I showed the same Telephone enthusiasm back then, I could’ve earned a few brownie points. Being the lazy asshole that I am, however, I’ve opted to play Telephone with the same mentality. By all means, you be the one to answer the phone.
- Treasure Chest: See Safe Crack above.
- Wizard: Nintendo, the grand masters of copyright flags, have managed to filch one of Harry Potter’s most iconic battles. Not only does the imagery look similar, so does the act of casting the spell itself. First, wave the Joy-Con above your head in a circular motion. Then, thrust (nice choice of description Nintendo) the beam at your opponent. Remember, it’s LeviOHsaaaa, not Leviosuh.
- Zen: What’s with 1, 2, Switch and using your Joy-Cons to remain perfectly still? Personally, I want a game where I can violently whip my Joy-Cons around. Oh, I just had the perfect idea! Halfbrick should port Fruit Ninja over to the Nintendo Switch. Now that’d be a Switch game I’d shell out money for.
Out of the 28 mini games, only a handful are entertaining enough to be worth playing. As stated above, this game really should’ve come packaged with the Nintendo Switch. I also feel like Nintendo missed an opportunity to earn a bit more cash by lumping sports into the mix rather than making them a standalone like Wii Sports.
But hey, that’s just me.
My biggest complaint overall is that many of these feel lazy, and several are almost direct clones of one another. If this game were priced at $10 I’d be a bit more forgiving. At $50, and standing against games like Arms and Breath of the Wild, the game is destined for the recycle bin.
What do you think of 1, 2, Switch? Is it worth the $50 price tag?